It’s not pretty

I have just now been able to pick myself up off the floor. I can still barely see and hardly breathe.

I can’t wear the mask anymore. You know what? Things are not perfect. It’s just downright ugly underneath the mask. I can’t be that person anymore. I don’t want to be.

Why does taking it off hurt? I can’t breathe….when I remove it. I hurt people when I wear it.

Why is it? Why do I insist on it? I DON’T WANT IT!!!!!!!

1 Corinthians 13 (The Message)
The Way of Love
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

11When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

12We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

The mask covers the ability to truly love. Sure, it may seem happy, but underneath the mask is pain and loneliness because the mask doesn’t let anyone in.

I can’t keep the mask off on my own, I’ve tried. I thought I had given it to God to destroy, when all along I never let it go.

Today is going to be very difficult. The raw pain I feel upon ripping the mask off makes me weak. Please pray for me so that I don’t lash out toward those around me because I hurt. The hurt is mine and mine alone. They didn’t cause it. It’s not going to be pretty today.

**Father in heaven, I need You desperately today. You alone can give me the strength to remove the mask and keep it off. Thank You for the blessing of my family. Give me the strength to be the wife and mom I need to be everyday! Place people in my path to keep me accountable and who will be understanding of my “ugliness” at times. Until You complete the work You have to do in me. Only You can mold me into the person You created me to be. I may be in pain today. I may shed many tears for what seems to be no reason, but I know it’s because You have much work to do. It hurts, but I’m willing to take the pain to become closer to You.

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