Confessions

I find it very interesting that friends and family you’ve known your entire life are some of the ones who never truly understand you. Honestly, sometimes we never truly understand ourselves.

Part of my journey to true personal revival is challenging myself to understand myself more. The way God made me. Embrace things about myself that God desires of me, and strive to change the things He does not.

So, here is what I’ve found thus far:

  • Like many members of my family, I’m a hermit. I LOVE being at home where I am comfortable.  There is nothing wrong with this in general.  The problem comes when this place of comfort becomes a fortress to keep out hurt.  I find myself unwilling to go out at times because I fear that even if I try to find a friend, I will be rejected.  So why try?  This is not how God created me.  He gave me a love for my home, but he did not create this fear (which you will see rise up again and again).  The world built this wall around my fortress.  Many hurtful experiences added to it brick by brick.
  • I’m sorry, but I would much rather talk to you in person than on the phone.  I despise making phone calls to anyone.  They are many times filled with awkward silence, and silence in conversation makes me terribly uncomfortable.  Facebook (and I know this is sad to say) has actually helped me keep relationships with friends and family.  If you are waiting on me to call you, it probably won’t happen.  That’s just not who I am.  That doesn’t mean I don’t think about you daily.  That doesn’t mean I don’t pray for you daily.  That doesn’t mean I don’t love you!  This is an area God is working heavily on, and my flesh is fighting it.  I’m sure this is part of that fear I was talking about earlier.  As I look back on my life, I can see I’ve always been this way (with the exception of those teenage years…when 9 times out of 10 it was my friends who called me not me calling them).  I would just really rather be with you in person.  (Which in the light of my first point, causes problems… I know)
  • I’m human and I’m selfish.  I know this.  I am praying much about this.  I realize that my fears of rejection have caused me to be a high maintenance friend at times.  When I get hurt, I enclose myself in a shell and it takes a lot of work to coax me back out.  This is the area that has been causing me much pain lately.  This is the stone that God has been tearing away at recently.  It’s hard granite, but my Master Craftsman sees beauty beyond it.  He is working diligently, chiseling away at the stone and it hurts tremendously.

I’m so thankful that God sees something wonderful underneath this lump of stone I seem to be.  This journey is going to be filled with lots of pain, I’m sure.  But I hold to the promise that peace and joy and greater realization of God’s will shall follow.

Pray with my as I continue to seek Him.  Pray especially that I don’t start picking up bricks anytime I’m faced with what I may perceive as rejection.  Pray that I will be able to see clearly Satan’s lies and face them head on without fear and without backing down.

It’s hard, and it hurts, but I challenge you to dig deep and seek the Father.  Ask Him to reveal areas in your life that need to be chiseled away, then allow the Master Craftsman to have complete control.  Take a little time and read James 1.  It has helped me these past couple weeks.

**Father in heaven, thank You!  Thank You for being our Creator.  Thank You for being our Physician.  Thank You for being “I Am”!  Knowing that alone provides comfort in knowing that You are whatever we need you to be for today!  Thank You!  Lord, I pray that You will continue to chisel away at my fears and insecurities.  I eagerly look forward to Your perfect will in my life!**

Philippians 4:6-8

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